What do Christians think about sex outside of marriage?
What do Christians think about sex outside of marriage? In our 2012 survey ‘Singleness in the UK church’ we asked 3,000 single Christians - here’s what they said…
Respondents strongly believe that sex belongs only in marriage, whether or not they find it difficult to live by (78%). Only 15% thought it OK to have sex before marriage and the majority of those only in loving and committed relationships.
Within this strong belief, respondents made two qualifications:
While believing that sex belongs only in marriage and living by that belief, they find it very hard (17%)
While believing that sex belongs only in marriage, they would respect others who took a different decision. (15%)
Views on sex before marriage
Choosing to live by the decision
The biggest response (17%) was people wanting to add something between choices 1 and 2:
Sex belongs only in marriage and I'm fine with that
Sex belongs only in marriage but I find that hard to accept and live by
They say that they believe that sex belongs only in marriage and live by their decision. They find it hard, but not in the sense implied in answer 2 of failing to practise that belief.
In particular, some took issue with 'and I am fine with that', pointing out that restricting sex to marriage is costly and counter-cultural.
'Sex belongs only in marriage, but I'm not sure I am "fine" with it – celibacy is one of the hardest things for the single Christian because it is one of the most counter-cultural choices we make.'
Only possible with shared conviction
Some point out that saving sex for marriage is only possible if both parties agreed in faith and had the same conviction. The same proportion stated that, if not, their relationships always broke up for wishing to maintain waiting until marriage.
For some, the issue of sex before marriage ends the relationship.
'My last two relationships broke up because the guys wanted sex before marriage.'
This has been the biggest issue for me, it has stopped several relationships because they will want to have sex and I won't.'
What 'saving oneself' for marriage means for divorcees
Those who had been divorced and those who had been converted and had had sexual partners beforehand said it was especially hard since they were used to expressing love through intimacy.
These situations also raised questions about the images being used, such as 'saving oneself', 'being a virgin' and so on. They said that there was no systematic clarity presented about their situation. In these situations, what is the waiting about?
'Being divorced, I have already experienced a loving sexual relationship within marriage. It is harder therefore to abstain if a new relationship develops.'
'I think for young single people it is important, but the risk is that they may just get married to have sex! I do feel it is a slightly different issue for divorcees.'
The decision applies only to Christians
Despite choosing to accept that they wouldn't have sex before marriage:
15% accepted that others might make a different decision and that would be OK for them
2% specifically said that it would not apply to those not professing a Christian faith.
'This is the ideal and standard I believe set by God and I think this holds for Christians, but there are people who have different values and sleep together before marriage and then go on to have happy, faithful and loving marriages. I respect them, I do not judge them.'
Staying a life-long virgin
Some appeared to express their disappointment that they were still virgins (at 30, 40), implying that God had made them sexual beings without fulfilment. Two countered it by saying there were virtues in chastity.
'I have never been in the position where sex was a realistic possibility, so I cannot swear that in a loving relationship I wouldn't be tested and tempted. I am also uncertain whether my stance against pre-marital sex is a revisionist explanation of why I am a virgin at almost 30.'
'I really don't know any more! I am 35 and haven't had sex but am wondering what I would do now in a [committed] relationship. I definitely think it is supposed to be in the context of a loving committed relationship. But I also find it hard to believe that as sexual beings it would be God's plan that I'm still a virgin if I'm single at 65.'
Reasons given for not having sex before marriage
Those stating that 'sex belongs only in marriage and they are fine with it' included:
those giving the Bible as authority
7% saying that they had had sex before marriage and regretted it.
Some looked at their beliefs about the consequences, including:
soul ties between the two people
giving Satan authority over their life
risk of pregnancy.
One considered that waiting turned their marriage towards a companionable one.
'Having said that I have had sex before marriage and regret it due to the emotional problems it caused.'
'Whilst I believe in my heart that sex is for marriage I have caved in but now really struggle with sexual temptation and am reminded frequently of Song of Solomon 2:7 "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires".'
'I waited in my first marriage and I think issues with waiting for years before then marrying (we were still only 24 when we married and 29 when we divorced) had a negative impact. I think it can be detrimental to wait too long as the relationship can then become more like a friendship only. The solution that many Christians take of marrying within five minutes is not something I would do to overcome this as once married it should be for life!'
Sex in a loving relationship and to test compatibility
Many repeated their view that sex can belong in any loving and committed relationship. There were only a few qualifications, such as 'on the way to marriage' or 'engaged' or provided there is 'communication and trust'.
Based on experience, 1 in 50 supported the view that it was important to test compatibility.
'Before my marriage broke down, I would say sex only in marriage, but the breakdown was partly due to my husband and I not being compatible emotionally and sexually.'
'I waited when I got married before and have always regretted that. I would need to experience that with someone before I committed to marrying them.'
The Church and sex
A few mentioned the need for church teaching, but more were concerned about the UK Church's fixation about sex, leading to a more judgemental attitude towards it rather than other sins.
'The Bible is clear we should only have sex with one person, however there are many other sins that we all commit on an almost daily basis, so why the fixation with this sin?'
'I have fallen short many times, to my shame – and would be great if I felt that I could talk to church leaders about this, but I really can't see this happening – they're well meaning, but judgemental.'
What is meant by 'marriage' in the Bible?
Some respondents wanted to query the definition of marriage used in the question.
Would sex before marriage be 'adultery' or 'fornication'? What did Paul mean if you can't control yourself, just get married? What was 'marriage' in those days?
There were several longer comments discussing the difference between 'being married' and the bit of paper in the national administration that said you were legally so.
There was, however, consistency that there should:
be an agreement in place for long-term commitment
that the marriage comes into being at the point of having sex ('consummating the marriage').
'Sex was permitted once couples were engaged and the relevant financial agreements signed. In [Old Testament] days, a man allowing a woman to sleep in his tent meant he would marry her. This was part of the culture and so men who wished to be respected just could not, and did not, go around seducing woman.'
'Marriage was originally defined by its consummation, not by the ceremony!'