The research: Singleness in the UK Church
Over 3,000 single Christians shared their experiences of church and faith in our 2012 survey. Commissioned by online dating website Christian Connection, it was the first major survey to focus on single Christians, and its findings prompted the formation of Single Friendly Church Network.
The survey findings showed that while many single people felt accepted by their churches, others felt overlooked or isolated, and excluded from certain aspects of church life. This is what they said:
Many churches accept and embrace single adults, but…
Christian singles generally feel accepted and embraced by their churches and not restricted in their ability to lead.
However, whilst feeling accepted, many also said that churches are orientated towards families and do not address the needs of single people. Many felt isolated and lonely, or ignored. 43% agreed their churches don’t know what to do with them.
“While I feel accepted as a single, I have to fight to get the single’s point of view and lifestyle heard.”
Churches do not address singles' needs or issues
While churches embrace single Christians, many said they don't address their needs and don't understand them. They do not appreciate the unique challenges faced by singles socially, emotionally, spiritually and financially. Friendships are key for single people, and they felt their churches did not understand their need for social opportunities.
Many churches have a family focus
Respondents commented on the family focus in church:
There are talks and courses for everyone except singles
Celebrations in church all appear to be family-focused (e.g. Mother’s and Father’s Day, weddings, engagements and births)
At Christmas, the feeling of being part of a church family can disappear as people focus on their nuclear families.
Church is oriented around the school calendar. When activities stop over the summer single people can be left feeling isolated.
'My church is so 'family friendly' that it is has no time for single people. All resources are directed at children, families and the elderly. Each Sunday, I read the Church publicity to look for opportunities for me to join in and find almost none. I have started to attend a second church in order to find fellowship.'
'I go to a church where there are courses for married and engaged couples, but there are more single people than these two groups put together and nothing is being done for us!'
A family focus can cause loneliness and pain
Many respondents noted that churches being family-focused made them feel lonely in church. They recognised that this may not be something the church causes directly, but due to being in the minority and surrounded by families.
The use of the word "family" in relation to services and activities can come across as meaning nuclear families - rather than the church family. This made some feel unwelcome or left out.
Some who find singleness and childlessness painful, find it even more so in church because of this emphasis on families.
'My church is so family focused I notice that I stand in church alone, and it hurts. In fact, so much so that currently I am on a break from church.'
Single people feel invisible
Single people can often feel invisible, or become invisible if widowed. A family focus can mean that families notice and welcome other families, but not singles:
'Friends who have attended as couples and/or with their children are positively welcomed by people who haven't spoken to me ever in the years I have attended.'
Exclusion from the social life and hospitality
Single Christians appear to distinguish the worship of the church from the social life of the church. In particular, they may feel accepted and included by 'the church', but excluded from the social life that they perceive going on among families.
Invitations of hospitality: More than 1 in 10 respondents specifically mentioned how they were left out of married people's social life of dinner invitations. The sense of isolation can stem from this, rather than the formal church activities.
More acceptable when in a couple: Some commented that they used to be included when they were married but not anymore - or conversely they started being invited only once they were dating someone.
Sunday afternoons can be a very lonely time, when the families go off together after the service and the single people goes home alone.
The perceived threat of single women: A number of female respondents made specific comments that married couples, especially the wives, appeared to perceive them as a threat and were wary of friendship.
'I feel that my singleness makes me ignored; only those who are couples get invited round to other couples' houses for a meal, even though I have had some couples over more than once.'
‘It requires a lot more effort to make friends if you are single.'
The widowed can become isolated
Some widows and widowers particularly noted the change in feeling part of the church after they lost their spouse. Some felt ignored or an “odd bod” among their married friends. For some it was less how the church acted, and more how they failed to act as they used to.
'I noticed the change when I was widowed and became excluded virtually overnight, very strange reaction, as previously my husband and I had been in leadership but also had singles as part of our extended family.'
Practicalities prevent single parents joining in more
Some churches evidently support single parents well. Other single parents experience awkwardness in church. The majority of comments by single parents related to practicalities, particularly of attending evening meetings or small groups in people's homes.
Other single parents I know have fallen away from church, having come seeking 'family' and left disappointed, feeling unwanted. They have also struggled to grow because it is even harder for them to receive the basic teaching from small group fellowships. Two left as they felt so alone.'
'Single parents struggle more within Church with commitments: lack of childcare, support to fully participate on nights out, ministry.'
Over 30 years of age, there are few activities for single Christians
It is at the age of 30 that many single Christians feel strongly that the churches don't have anything for them. There is a feeling that they don’t fit into any category because aren’t married with children.
This is due to a lack of people in their age group, and a lack of activities in the church appropriate for single people between 30 and 60.
Single people begin to experience this gradual change in how they “fit in” as they get older and their friends get married.
‘The thing I struggle with most about being a single person in church is that I don't fit in ANY category. I am nearly 30 years old and I don't have children. I can't go to students' events, I can't go to parents' events, I work full time so can't go to midweek ladies' Bible study. Except for going to church, I get lonely on the weekends because most of my friends are married with kids and want to protect their 'family time'.'
Singles sometimes feel they are "useful labour"
A number of respondents commented about feeling as if they were "useful labour" to keep the church running for the sake of the families.
Single people were assumed to have more free time because they don’t have children to look after. They felt this was unfair as those living alone have no one to share the load of household tasks and financial provision.
Having single leaders is important to single Christians
There were a few comments about positive role models of single people in leadership. The practice of appointing single people and women to leadership roles varies across the different types of church.
There are two aspects to this: having role models to whom to aspire, and having opportunity for ministry.
'There are lots of good single role models at my church, one of whom is a great woman preacher in her forties – but I don't know if this is the same in every church.'
‘All the role models in church are married couples, with hardly any single preachers and teachers.'
Churches have different views about being single
Being single is a gift
Some churches were reported as promoting singleness as the preferred status or a gift, in which circumstances there is no support if you want to marry. The pain of singleness was not acknowledged or prayed about, which made single Christians feel more isolated.
Being married is preferred
Other churches promoted being married, in which circumstances there is no support if you want to be single and often no support if you want to marry and are not single by choice. Single people also felt unvalued and as though there was something perceived to be wrong with them.
Get together or keep apart?
One person noted the disjunction between expectation of the church to be married and get together, while stressing the need to stay apart in fear of sex.
'The church seems to expect single people to "get on with it" and get married but provides no opportunity for single men and women to interact, while at the same time stressing the importance of purity and seemingly trying to keep single men and women apart.'
Being single is not better in church nor society
There is no support for the idea that people feel accepted more in society and less in the church because they are single. Most say that they feel accepted in neither, but a few said that church is supportive because it more understands the relationship lifestyle they have chosen.
'Singleness in the church is a double cross for many Christians to bear as they are both isolated within the church and without because of the different relational values that are practised in normal society.'
More from the research
YouGov survey - ratio of single to married in church