Would Christians marry a non-Christian?
Could there be any circumstances in which single Christians would marry a non-Christian? In our 2012 survey ‘Singleness in the UK church’ we asked 3,000 single Christians this question.
Over half of respondents said they would never marry a non-Christian, applying their understanding and interpretation of the Bible. However, some women in particular found the gender imbalance in many churches very hard, and would consider marrying a non-Christian in order to have love and family. A few said they saw no problems with marrying someone who didn’t share their faith.
Could there be any circumstances in which you would marry a non-Christian?
Reasons given for not marrying a non-Christian
Previous experience of relationship with a non-Christian
Some respondents said they wouldn’t because of their own experience of non-Christian marriages, from which they were now divorced, or from dating non-Christians in the past.
'I was married to a non-Christian and there was constant conflict in the relationship. I would rather stay single than marry a non-Christian again.'
'Having dated a non-Christian and seen the effect it had on my own faith, I wouldn't want to go there again.'
Some said that they wanted to share every aspect of life with their partner, which would not be possible with a non-Christian
'If you can't share your faith, which provides the base of your entire lifestyle, then what can you share?'
'Personally I think you can be happy married to a non-Christian but I don't think it is God's best. It all depends on how important your relationship with God is to you. I would find it extremely difficult not to be able to share that vital part of my life with someone I love.'
Obedience to their understanding of the Bible
Some said that only marrying another Christian is being obedient to what they understand the Bible says.
'It's unscriptural, tempting as it may be.'
The pain of not marrying at all
Several affirmed that they would not marry a non-Christian, but it is hard. In particular there is real pain for women in living with the decision not to marry rather than marry a non-Christian that results in them not having children. They said that there is little support for them from their churches in being obedient to their faith in this way.
'The answer I have given has made me count the cost of following Christ more than any other single thing.'
'At 55 I doubt whether I will marry and it is a source of sadness and regret that I spent time on certain church activities, when I could have been looking for a partner.'
'I broke up with someone because they were not a Christian, but now I wonder if in the future I would make the same choice. I always felt strongly that I wanted to be with a Christian but as time goes on I am more open to other ideas...'
'There are not many available Christian men and my minister was against my marrying my very keen last partner, even though he came to church with me, as he was not a Christian!'
Reasons given for considering marrying a non-Christian
Character is more important
Of those who said they would consider marrying a non-Christian, some pointed out that character is more important than whether someone is a Christian or not. Some said that there is no guarantee of having a good relationship just because someone is a Christian. But they also report a lack of support by churches should they decide to do so.
'A good character, kindness and honesty are all important, whether they come in a Christian wrapper or not!'
'Once I would have said no to this, but I have actually found some non-Christian ladies to be more sympathetic as people than some in church, where I have felt less accepted at times.'
Few other options
Some respondents said that they felt they had few other options than to marry a non-Christian, because they aren’t many potential partners.
'The thought has crossed my mind as there aren't many single Christians where I live.'
'The maths just don't add up, not just in the village where I live, but nationally. If the Church is preaching it has to be to Christians, the Church needs to get bringing men in!'
Negative experience of Christian relationships vs positive non-Christian ones
Some shared that Christian marriages aren't necessarily successful just because they are Christian.
'I used to be very black and white about marrying a Christian – which I did, and it backfired horribly – so now I don't know.'
Others said they know of good marriages where one partner is Christian, or they drew on their own positive experience of being with a non-Christian:
'My parents are my role models – my dad is a Christian and my mum is not. They'll have been married 30 years next March.'
'My late husband was not a Christian, but he supported me in my faith and activities.'
The power of prayer
Some felt there was hope that the non-Christian partner could find faith, through the power of prayer. One person said that God works in mysterious ways, and some of the marriages in the Bible were unconventional and yet God used them for good.
'I do believe in the concept of flirt to convert! Statistically, the ratio of single Christian men to single Christian women is in the favour of the men, certainly in London, which does not give us girls much choice. I am strong enough in my own faith to deal with being married to someone who isn't a Christian when I meet them, but I also believe in the power of prayer and there are probably many guys out there who could be saved, if only someone would take the time to pray for them. I would have the faith that that person would come to Christ but peace if they didn't.'
It’s not as simple as Christian or non-Christian
Finally, a few people felt that you cannot simply categorise and seperate Christians and non-Christians.
'I wish the church would stop lumping Christians and non-Christians into those two categories. Each is a person who may or may not be openly sympathetic to faith. Drawing lines to create an 'us and them' is ridiculous and unhelpful in terms of all of us journeying with God. Each relationship needs to be analysed by those involved and supported by the church. Churches tend to 'drop' people who don't play by the 'rules'.
More from the research
The 2012 Research - what do single Christians think about church?